Back from the internet void of moving to a new address, I have chosen this movie to write about. “Why?” you might ask would I have any interest in contemplating this film past the 88 minutes I forced myself to endure? Pray, lovely reader, I have no reason. It is a total piece of junk. There are nary a laugh in its lack of camp value, and the special effects are either murky or sharply cut away to save the expense of rendering the extra seconds to cognate their computer-generatedness.
But the question that ponders inside the head is: why watch a movie that is expected to be bad? Why must I have to endulge in such cinematic sado-maschocism? At least with something like It Came From Beneath the Sea, you have the nostalgia factor, or the historical interest of Ray Harryhausen‘s effects. Not so with this production by The Asylum (I did watch a slew of 30 second trailers, and Dragonquest (with Marc Singer), does look rather tempting). I had no one to share this BAD movie with, so the communal laugh-factor does not apply. Perhaps, I continued watching only for you, dear reader. Perhaps, I have saved you time in your life to watch a better film. I haven’t seen Shark Attack 3: Megalodon, but I hear it’s a better horrible movie.
Maybe, I’m being too hard on this. I probably would have liked it, if I would know for a fact that I’m not the only one who has watched it.
The film begins with Deborah Gibson (click the link, I dare you) riding a literal computer joystick in a darkly lit room meant to stand in for some sort of paleo-oceanographer’s submersible watercraft. Nearly six or seven minutes go by without any indication of what-the-hell-is-going-on. The rest of the movie allows us the pleasure of following ‘what’s going on’ by the sprinkling of forced expositional dialogue and the occasional blatant line answering the formerly recited “What’s that?”.
This film High-Definition Video motion-picture, could have been enjoyable if it would have had any sense of humility in its B-picture roots. Someone should have informed the actors not to try so hard. It can be painful to watch.
The whole tilt of the Giant Octopus coming from Japan seemed like a throw-away add-on to the film that was only used so that their would be a “versus” in the title. I like how the Japanese submarine crew all talk to each other in English when there are no white people around too. Lorenzo Lamas does his best with perhaps the only straight-comedic lines in the film, but, alas, he tries too hard. Perhaps he believed that the movie would actually be “fun”; perhaps he thought good things could come from an images like these:
The bloopers and making of featurette on the DVD (yes, I watched those too) reveal the horrible direction the actors have steered from outside the diagesis, in their apparently normal delivery of the English language.
Don’t take it so seriously, people! This movie would have been much better for it. (This is the point where I realize I am taking the movie too seriously). It’s just disappointing to see that this film is neither exciting nor funny, in any way.Even when it does deliver its few good moments, the boredom masks them. In any other film the following line, delivered in context, would have made me laugh in its favor:
“Don’t love the ocean too much, it doesn’t love you back!”